Irreversible

Why does Gaspar Noe seem to hate me? Each new film he does is always a nightmarish clusterfuck of pain. And the same goes for his notorious 2002 Irreversible, a film in which thousands ran out of the Cannes screening in fury at what they had just seen. Plot? Vincent Cassel and Albert Dupontel go on a revenge mission after Cassel's girlfriend is raped after a party, beaten and left for dead. Despite the horrifying 9 minute (yes, 9 minutes!) rape scene in which the fantastic Monica Belucci is raped then beaten. Surprisingly, this is not the most gruesome scene in the film. That prestigious award goes to the disturbing scene where Vincent Cassel smashes in the head in of the guy who he thinks is Belucci's rapist, when it turns out to be the guy next to him. Pretty major mistake there. Despite this film being the second most painful movie I have had to endure (the number one spot obviously going to the WTF that was Trash Humpers), I still believe it has a valid message. The mindboggling non linear narrative not only raises a hat to Nolan's Memento, but also keeps you captivated all throughout. (either that or the nauseating low-frequency hum he put over the whole film. Look it up) You may not like it but you won't be able to look away.

7/10

Teo

Sleeping Beauty

I'm noticing a trend. Like in the stunning Fassbender vehicle Shame, this film is shot in an identical, glassy eyed way. Straight shots, crisp contrast ratio. This kind of filmaking I believe will become just as prevalent as Steadicam in the foreseeable future. I'm procrastinating. Why? There is not that much to say about this film. What is it about? Lucy, played in subtle form by Emily Browning, is a strangely detestable uni student who does her share of odd jobs to get by. Lucy is depressingly rude, and rather cruel in parts, not an ounce of relatability in any way. I can buy antiheroes, Michael Corleone and Mavis Gray from Young Adult. But these characters only work if you care about them, and I care little about Lucy. She sees an ad at a high class brothel where she has to serve libido-less old men drinks in lingerie among with another load of misfits. Clara, the master, played fantastically bluntly by Rachael Blake, sees potential in young Lucy. "Your vagina will not be penetrated" she says at one point, and you can't help giggling. Clara offers Lucy another job, she will be drugged into sleep and those old men will be able to, as the title mentions, sleep with her. Literally. This would be fine and good for the whole film, but to quote Oancitizen, there's neither sleaze nor a potential danger in her position, so the rest of the film becomes relatively pointless. There is potential behind this sleeping idea, but we just don't care. Despite this, as mentioned earlier, the acting is superb, as is the direction, but it is missing a soul.

6/10

Teo

Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall His Past Lives

This is an masterpiece of cinema. One of the greatest foreign films of all time, up there with Herzehog's Even Dwarfs Started Small, Resnais' Hiroshima Mon Amour, and Haneke's Funny Games. A film so incredible and so mesmerising, you'll want to talk about it and discuss it over and over again. The plot? Boonmee is dying of kidney failure and goes to his isolated farm, where he thinks his past souls and lives thrives. Along with him he takes his sister-in-law Jen, and his nephew, Tong. During supper one night, things get weird. His dead wife appears as a ghost and his son, Boonsong arrives in form as a Monkey Ghost, with marvellously iconic glowing red eyes (He is already a hipster icon). As his final days drift on, we get one of his past lives as an ugly princess, who has sex with a catfish, shown to us in almost comical form. Why is this film a masterpiece, you ask? As soon as the film starts, I am completely and utterly hooked. The delicate nature of the film makes you buy how strange many of the scenes are, and all the conversations are utterly believable. Litterally every line is perfect, and every shot could be hung up on a wall with great pride. Not hard to follow and strangely beautiful, this is a film everyone, everywhere should see.

10/10

Teo

Hereafter

Why are there so many films like this? This has some fantastic ideas for a film, but cannot be bothered to arrange them into some kind of redeemable package. Clint Eastwood, in recent years, has become increasingly lazy, with the relatively forgettable Invictus, to the dull J. Edgar, and this is a prime example of how frustrating Eastwood has become. The story? Matt Damon plays a low key medium in San Francisco, who is not proud of what he does, Cecile de France goes through a near-death experience and becomes fascinated with the afterlife, and a London boy named Marcus, played just awfully by Frankie McLaren, experiences his brother's death and longs for his voice again. Sounds interesting, right? Surprisingly, it is far from it. Damon's acquaintance, played by Bryce Dallas Howard, gets a disposable subplot, never to be spoken of again. The London boy has a difficult time adapting after his brother's death, but we wonder if any boy can be this painfully neurotic. de France has the best story, starting in Thailand, when a huge and visually impressive tsunami hits, almost killing her and her lover, in a really schmaltzy moment when they meet among the wreckage. The main issue with this film is it addresses so many valid issues, and then ignores them for a traditional Hollywood ending. Annoyingly provocative, but without explanation.

4/10

Teo

Gerry

What defines boring? I think it is something that cannot hold your interest and that is why I think Gerry is not boring, as many critics have accused. It is a fascinating, absorbing masterpiece of minimalism in the modern age of cinema, akin to Warhol's Empire or Resnais' Last Year In Marienbad. The story is Gerry and Gerry (supposedly having the same name, or perhaps representing the unity of the characters. I have no idea.) As they trek through Death Valley, they take a detour and get hopelessly lost in the desert, slowly breaking down due to lack of food and water. Some of the shots last over 7 minutes, but it is hard to look away. The score is similar, often just the heavy breathing of the Gerry's and only poignantly quiet  music for the majority of the film. There are some undeniably hilarious moments, when Casey Affleck gets marooned on a huge rock, the whole scene improvised between him and Matt Damon, playing the other Gerry. How this scene ends I will not disclose, but it is barely a surprise.The ending, which is perfectly nuanced yet carries such deep meaning, makes you look at the person you watched it with, and discuss it. The Tree Of Life did the same. That's how good it is. So there we have it. An intoxicating, spectacular film, not for everyone, and the right mood is necessary for viewing, but when seen properly, it is a landmark in modern minimalist cinema.

10/10

Teo

Trash Humpers

What the hell is this shit? Well, to be honest, I have absolutely no idea. It starts with 2 men in old man costumes humping bins. How do I write a review of this? Harmony Korine has never been afraid to be provocative. Just look at the spectacularly disturbing Gummo, the frustrating although important Ken Park or even the obscure Mister Lonely, Korine is undeniably one of the most important voices in American independent cinema. Sometimes it is just plain unnerving. This is one of those times. Character development? No. A hint of a plot? Somewhat. The three old age misfits hump bins, then meet someone, the most memorable are "conjoined twins", who cover pancakes with dishwashing liquid and eat them. No comment. All throughout are scenes of anarchy, murder and kidnapping, a few involving at fat kid in a suit, popping firecrackers and crushing a baby doll with a hammer. Is there a deeper meaning? Probably. Do I know it? No. Should you care? Maybe. This is the kind of film that will terrify you, but it has a valid message, I think, whatever that may be. Despite the pain, (and the hours of vomiting) after watching this film, it will change the way you view cinema. I do not consider it applicable for a star rating. It does exactly what it intends to do, to shock and apall. See it if you have the stomach.

Teo