Life Of Pi

   Ang Lee, along with Tarsem and James Cameron, are often directors that suffer from a style over substance view of film-making  with Tarsem's visual masterpieces The Cell and The Fall, Cameron's Avatar or even Lee's frustrating Hulk. However, all have had wonderful films, and with Brokeback Mountain, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, and Lust, Caution under his belt, Lee is most probably the most talented out of these directors, and while it could be argued that Life Of Pi is his weakest film (a flimsy narrative, excessive symbolism) It sure looks absolutely stunning.
    Following the wise words of Roger Ebert, who, like me, cannot stand 3-D and who raved about the 3-D, I saw it on the biggest, dumbest screen I could; Vue Westfield. And Ebert was right. I don't think I have ever seen better use of 3-D in a theatrical release. It is not distracting, not headachey and just looks wonderful. I am proud I paid the £1 extra.
    And that brings us to the main thread of the film: the visuals. They are stunning. Again, I don't think I have seen more stunning visuals since The Tree Of Life or The Fall. As the second and third act are all set on a boat in the middle of the ocean, Lee takes full advantage of the visual potential as possible. A scene on a deserted island is a definate hilight, and while the animals are not always convincing, they do look disturbingly genuine almost always, especially hundreds of meerkats in a very memorable scene.
    And this brings us to the main problem with this film. Just the visuals alone would get it a 10 out of 10, but there are problems. The film starts off in sunny India, where young Pi embarks on a spiritual journey and wishes to be "Hindu, Muslim and Christian". He seems to be one of those kids that no one is, no one has been, or will be. Either way, he grows up in a zoo, but then has to move his family and animals to Canada, where they are shipwrecked, and he has to use a small lifeboat with a tiger as a home. And while this is not a very convincing premise, it is still exciting in the way that Up or Inception is exciting: ridiculous, but captivating enough to be forgiven for the silly premise.
    So that's Life Of Pi, and while this isn't the best film of the year, the visuals are good enough to put it on the top 10 list of 2012, and the fact that it is captivating like Inception means that it is well worth seeing. But only see it in the cinema for full effect. Please.

9/10

Top 5 Worst Songs of 2012

While this is far from the worst year in music history, it was far from slim pickings as far as bad music goes, be it from the damn Cash Money crowd, painfully boring indie rock, or the ever looming at-first-it-was-kind-of-funny-but-now-it's-just-getting-sad reign of Gangnam Style. Here are the Top 5 Worst Songs of 2012:

5.Drunk-Ed Sheeran

While this is far from the worst indie guitar song I've ever heard, all this song evokes in my mind is a lazier Hey There Delilah, only written even more clumsily. And when he's not nearly ruining wonderful songs at the London Olympics, have you ever seen an interview with him? He is an incredibly dull person, fitting well with his horrifically dull range, all performed along to dreary acoustic guitar. This is not to say I am against slow music per se, but the montonous chorus is so boring, you'd think you were listening to country music. Avoid.

4.Gangnam Style-Psy

This is actually a lot higher on my list than I pre-empted because for a while, I actually really liked this song. I thought the video was clever, the rapping was good. How wrong was I. How could I not see how stupid the video was, how obvious the music was, how really the lyrics were incredibly classy, describing the huge cost of living in South Korea. How could I not see that all this song was is a Korean version of LMFAO's detestable Party Rock Anthem. And it is not just the music that annoys me about this, it is the fanbase. Just go on the comments of the video on YouTube, you will know what I mean.

3.Drive By-Train

Oh why, Train? You started off decent, why couldn't you simply fade into the obscurity that we hope most adult alternative bands went, like Joanna Newsom or The Plain White T's? Why did you persist in making crappy hit after crappy hit? Train started off well enough, and I am more forgiving of Hey Soul Sister than most. But this song, with a horrific rhyme scheme, really disturbing concept (how romantic, comparing your love to shooting someone), and the ever-annoying vocals of Patrick Monahan. The weird pop culture references are a taste that Monahan is fond of (Mister Mister? Hefty bags?), but they are getting old, and Train need to end.

2.Stupid Hoe-Nicki Minaj

Nicki Minaj. How? How could you produce such a repugnant, ugly, annoying, tuneless evil as this song. Yes, I know it is a response to that awful Lil' Kim diss track Black Friday, but why would you try try to match the evil that was that song so far that it is one of the worst things to come out of a human mouth since Hitler's speeches? Not only is the song grossly repetitive and horrendously nonsensical, it is straight up evil. Evil. But yet it is only number 2 on this list. Now you ask, what could be possibly worse than this horrifying abomination?




1.Dance (A$$)- Big Sean feat. Nicki Minaj


Now technically, I'm cheating because this only came out late last year, but only started gaining notoriety in the UK in early 2012. Let me put this straight. This is the worst song I have ever heard. Worse than anything on this list, even Stupid Hoe, even Hot Problems. Friday is Madonna compared to this song. The monotonous flow of Big Sean, the misogynist theme, some of the worst lyrics to a song ever (Kiss my ass and my anus) and the horror of Nicki Minaj's verse, who is actually on the song more than Big Sean. At least Stupid Hoe was interestingly awful. This isn't even worth looking at, let alone listening to. This is musical napalm. This is what life is like if you are miserable. Actually, I go back on what I said, please listen to it, I want you to experience my rage. Be prepared.

Channel Orange

    Frank Ocean is one of the most refreshing new voices in modern R/B, that being we have never really seen anyone white like him. Branching from the always obnoxious, but sometimes really good Odd Future collective, Ocean got his chance to be one of the best talents of the early 2010's,  singing the hooks on a lot of Tyler, The Creator's work. In mid 2012 he came out as bisexual and released his debut album, Channel Orange. And it is an absolute joy to listen to.
   The centrepiece is the miraculous Thinkin' Bout' You, a heartbreaking song about a lost love, and the potential of resuscitating something that ended a long time. It has potential to be the best song of the year. The calm, synth-laden pace is stunning, and Ocean proves that he is a definite new talent. The song is so lovely that it even made Beyonce, queen of this type of ballad, cry when she first heard it. I can see where she is coming from. It is just a stunning, stunning song.
   Still, despite how wonderful the other songs are, they are all dwarfed in comparison to Thinkin' Bout' You. Except for, however, Swim Good, with a truly brilliant funk beat to it, and an ode to the lovely Aloe Blacc I Need a Dollar about it (Not to be confused of the particularly tedious Eminem song of a similar name), and some of the best production I have seen from the Odd Future clique. Even Pyramids, one of the still good but not best songs on the album, has an overused but still wholly relevant synth hook that is just irresistable.
    This is one of the best albums of the year. Stunning production and the soulful voice of Ocean makes this better than most of the Ne-Yo's could ever hope to be.

Volta

If you know me, you know that I have a particular fondness for female pop vocalists, be it the beautiful vocal of Lady Gaga or Beyonce, or, God forbid, the brilliant but horrible whiny auto tuned drivel people like Ke$ha or Fergie release. And for me, Bjork is no exception. Starting her music career with the wonderful punk-y Sugarcubes who had some minor hits in the early nineties, Bjork branched off and has enjoyed success ever since, be it as an actress in the heartbreaking Dancer In The Dark, a wonderful vocalist in all her nineties albums, or in Matthew Barney's utterly up-itself Drawing Restraint 9. Yes, Bjork is brilliant at a lot of things, and her talents are on full form in her 2007 effort, Volta. From the opening, defiant, and almost abrasive song, Earth Intruders, we can understand that this is no longer the beautiful soprano, this is the furious, completely pissed-off Bjork, ready to batter anyone in her way,not entirely different from M.I.A.'s later effort The Message. Not to say there aren't moments of beauty. The whimsical tone of Wanderlust is only to be matched by the stunning, American Pie-esque The Dull Flame of Desire. Clocking in at nearly 8 minutes, with moments of unscrupulous beauty. Similar is the not-so-long but equally lovely Pneumonia (there's two word I never thought I'd see in the same sentence , not to beaten by the best song on the album, Declare Independence. Written as a ballad for Greenland and the Faroe Islands, this hip house fist pumper is similar in style and quality to the brilliant 2006 Gorillaz White Light. As a simple club banger, it's as good as it gets. This is a satisfying album and while not all songs work (Hope can be rather tedious) it is still always good from our favourite Icelandic vocalist (sorry Sigur Ros) Bjork. 

8/10

Top 5 Guilty Pleasures

    Unlike the wonderful Lindsay Ellis, I do not count a guilty pleasure as something that you know is bad, but you like it anyway. I classify a guilty pleasure as, for whatever reason, despite how much you like it, you still feel somewhat guilty about it, contradicting your normal taste. For Example, I hate Chris Brown. Hate him. But I cannot deny that Yeah x3 is a decent song, and I have a soft spot for the enjoyable high-schooly With You. But yet I still feel guilty about liking those songs, but can't deny that they are genuinely good songs. So, this is my list of songs, for whatever reason, I feel guilty for liking.

5. Beyonce-Irreplaceable
This is relatively low on the list because I don't think there is any denying Beyonce's wonderful vocals, especially on this track. But the reasons I feel somewhat guilty about this song is how flimsy the whole concept is. The motif of 'To the left, to the left' refers to a box of the old boyfriends stuff, which bugs me for some reason. And, I can already hear the feminists booing, how sexist this song is to both genders. Beyonce is yelling how her latest man is far from irreplaceable, and how she has already found another man, which if given to any other singer, would be unavoidably catty, and dare I say, slutty, really not the example such a wonderful artist like Beyonce should be promoting (As soon as you're done with one man, move on as quickly as possible to the next. Progressive, in terms of how women shouldn't have to be tied down to men, I guess, but still kind of unfair.) I also understand that this can quite easily be gender flipped to suit the man, but despite the baffling lyrics, this is still a fantastic song, and holds up 6 years later as one of Beyonce's best songs.

4. Die Antwood-I FINK U FREEKY
Oh My God, I hate Die Antwood. Aside from their videos being blatant rehashes of Prodigy videos they covered over 15 years ago, they are unbearably annoying  in both vocals and repetitive music. But I love them. This is one of the bands I know less about, but if I FINK U FREEKY is anything to go by, I can summarise that they sound very like Fedde Le Grand's 2004 masterpiece Put Your Hands Up 4 Detroit. In fact, that's exactly what they sound like. And this repetitive piece of annoyance from good old South Africa is just as annoying as that song, but I can't deny it's still really good, but really bad. It's so catchy, so annoying, I don't know what to think. The problem is, I'm not sure if they're taking things seriously, if Fatty Boom Boom, their latest single is anything to go by. Are they unaware what's going on, or are they just fucking around with us. I feel the same way about Amanda Bieber, either they are really really annoying, or just joking.

3.Justin Bieber featuring Nicki Minaj-Beauty And At Beat
OK, let me make something clear. Bieber is an idiot. An idiot. Nicki Minaj is also an idiot. Both of them make an idiotic couple, they'd be perfect for each other. This song is a wonderful song however. The lyrics are hilariously dumb (Tonight we're gonna party like its 3012 tonight) as well as the hardly distinguishable chorus, which sounds like everything else in the charts. And yet, I really like this song, in particular the guest verse by Minaj, who manages to actually escape with dignity despite some horrific lines. (Buns out, weiner/But I gotta keep an eye out for Selena) It is refreshing to see the Biebs do something out of his comfort zone instead of his revolting teen bopping like Baby, or even the horrific Boyfriend, which also had his go out of his comfort zone, only to more hilarious effect. Still, this is a genuinely good song, and despite the dumb people behind it, it is still a lot of fun.

2. Katy Perry-Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)
I love Katy Perry. Like, have you heard her live performances? How does one take such an out of tune valley girl prostitute Barbie and make it so easy to listen to. Either way, this is one of the most hilariously fun songs ever written. It's just one of those songs that are so easy to dance to, like DJ Got Us Falling in Love, Boyz, or even the ridiculously dated Cha Cha Slide. And while the lyrics drag a lot, and some are just inexplicably and probably unintentionally hilarious (Think I need a ginger ale/That was such an epic fail) this song is wonderful. I love the random sax solo, that repeating wonderful chorus, the insanely irritating chants of T.G.I.F., its just a masterpiece of awful. I can't do it justice, I love it and it is awful. Simple as.

1. Ke$ha-Blah Blah Blah
I am so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so sorry. I just can't defend this one. This could be one of the worst songs of all time. It is so poorly auto-tuned  so ugly, so repugnant, so stupid, and featuring the terrible vocals of the truly disgusting douche frat-boy dickheads 3OH!3, it makes me feel dirty this got to number 7 in the US and 11 in the UK. Why? Why do I like it? I just don't know. The beat is so overused, but I love it. It is like eating a full bag of sugar, so bad for you, something no one would ever do, but dammit, Google it and you will see someone doing it. Ke$ha ate her bag. She ate it all. There is nothing salvageable  except maybe how ridiculously danceable it is. There are no more words. I cannot say anything else.

Amour

   Michael Haneke has never made a secret of being a cynical misanthrope, and possibly the best example of his expert sarcasm is the brutally unwatchable, although slammingly relevant Funny Games, where a family is both physically and mentally tortured by a pair of blonde haired psychopaths. Like The Haunting, the horror is in what you don't see, which makes the experience all the more intense and terrifying. Unlike many of his previous films, this concerns a suitably less macabre thing that we all have to go through; old age.
   The plot inloves Georges and Anna, an elderly couple of retired musicians, living in a quinessentially French apartment in Paris. One day, after drinking some tea, Anna freezes solid in her seat. Georges is confused. He tries to talk to her. Nothing. He even puts a damp towel on her head. No reaction. Soon after, she regains conciousness and doesn't remember the episode. As people in old age do, Georges worries. Soon after, Anna gets a stroke. At first, Anna responds very well, she is bright, attentive, and almost seems to enjoy her endevour into post-stroke care, from the benefits of an electric wheelchair, to the shame of being helped into bed. Soon, however, everything starts to crumble.
   The reason this film is so mesmirising is not because of the stunning performances by the lead duo (although they are spectacular, both playing incredibly difficult roles), but because of how real it feels. We can all smell the hospital, clinical smell of someone who is very ill, wer can all understand Georges anger at her for simply being ill, or even  the urge to put a person of such an unwell disposition out of their misery, Haneke makes the characters feel real, and while not always the most likeable, these are the most tender and kind protaganists I have seen in any film by Haneke. This film is one of the best of the year, and anyone who has had an unwell relative must see this film. It may be a tough experiencce, but it'll be worth it

10/10

(N.B. There is a scene in this film which you think you can see coming, but you are not sure. I was shocked.)

The Master

    Paul Thomas Anderson has, at least in recent years, become one of Hollywood's most reliable and un-Hollywood directors. Like Christopher Nolan, he makes films that ask questions e.g. Magnolia (Are we more connected than we realise?), Boogie Nights (Is there more than sleaze in the porn scene?), or even There Will Be Blood (At what point is cruelty pushed to evil?). This film, despite whatever message there is to it, is probably Anderson's most culturally relevant film, at least in the tough, terrifying consumerist utopia, where spending money is encouraged, despite the fact that, at least in the UK, we are still ankle deep in recession.
    But yet, almost every day on Tottenham Court Road, the Scientologists persist in making you take a "personality test". Despite an almost worldwide reputation for being dangerous and essentially a cult, even with endorsment from Tom Cruise, one of the most irritating and reprehensible actors in recent times (Don't get me wrong, he's great in Eyes Wide Shut and Rain Man, but his overt proclamation of his beliefs lead me to believe he is copycatting Lindsay Lohan; at first I had a lot of respect for her, but now she's just a joke.) people will persist in believing a pulp fiction author has a sign that Xenu will come down to them at the Apocalypse. Anyway, I'm getting off tracks here, I'm not even talking about Scientology.
    Whatever my views are on Scientology are, it can't have started off too dissimilar to how the religion in this film is made. Called "The Cause", the leader in large overalls valiantly striding down hallways being greeted by applause, cool-headed but subsequently threatening to crack at any minute, and claiming to clear the mind through an almost, one could say brainwashing way. And by God is it a role of a lifetime for Philip Seymour Hoffman. I mean, sure he's fantastic in basically in every role he's in ever. And while some claim is chilling role as Truman Capote in Capote was his shining hour, I'm not sure I agree. If Hoffman doesn't win an Oscar for this, I have lost all faith in the system.
    The plot goes that Freddy played stunningly by Joaquin Phoenix in unrelenting Michael Pitt-esque fashion, a severely disturbed ex-army alcoholic, while escaping one of his colleagues he apparently poisoned, sneaks into a boat, unknown to him it is a boat holding "The Master" and his respective posse of friends convinced by his powers, including his tight-lipped wife, played remarkably straight by Amy Adams, for the wedding of his daughter. Instead of kick out the unruly drunkard, he makes Freddy make more of his brilliant home brew out of paint thinner and several other increasingly dangerous substances. While on the boat, Hoffman sets Freddy a challenge, he has to answer about 20 questions without blinking. This is possibly the best scene in the film. Freddy is cynical at first, gets angrier, then lets all his secrets out to the person he has only known for about a day. It is so disturbing and so heartbreaking to watch Phoenix break down and Hoffman to keep his monotonous voice, when the audience know how much he is being manipulated. This is a framing device for a montage of Freddy walking back and forth from a window to a wall, trying to feel what is really there. This is intercut with strange scenes about eye colour and not caring about what other people say about you. All this is building blocks which are glued together with disconcerting clarinet music which drones on at terrific effect. For the rest of the film, Freddy often uses his inescapably violent behaviour to persuade people to his religion. We are not sure if he is really devoted to the religion or if it is just an excuse to fuck around or beat people around. The scenes are wonderful.
   This is one of the best and disturbing films of the year. It perfectly captures the moral greyness cults use to manipulate and the lead performances are absolutely stunning. Wonderful.

10/10

MT

Babel

   One of the most maddening and frustrating excuses for refusing to watch a film is those evil 3 words 'It's too depressing'. So what? We see films with drama, action romance. Why is depression, one of the most universal traits in all of us, singled out and used against us? This film, despite how much it is associated with the dreaded b-word, is one of the most breathtaking films ever made, all centred around a simple act of foolishness committed by a little boy. Like most of Innaritu's work, it as mentioned tells the story of about 4 different people affected by a little incident.
   Two young boys of a goat herder have a bit of an ego competition where they try to test a shotgun sold to them, accidentally and painfully wounding an American woman. The husband is sharp and somewhat rude, but justifiably so. The husband's children are being looked after by a Mexican woman whose son's wedding is the same time of the shooting. He tells her that she cannot go, as there is no one to look after the kids. The man who sold the kids the gun is a Japanese man whose wife has died, and has a rebellious deaf-mute daughter called Chieko. The story weaves between the 3 stories.
   The thing is, everyone acts reasonably. The nanny probably shouldn't have taken the kids to the wedding, but it is her son's wedding. The husband shouldn't have been so rude to those around him, but his wife is in pain. The loud mouthed man who convinces the husband's tour bus to leave without him shouldn't have been so malicious, but the others on the bus were also suffering. Chieko should not be so rude to her father and those around her, but she is alienated by her condition and her sexual frustration. The boys shouldn't have shot the gun, but boys that age are naturally ego-centric. No one acts bizarrely or rudely  and that is one of the best things about the film. The character feel real. Even those who seem cruel or unpleasant, but all of them are justifiably so.
   Another reason this film is fascinating is that all the perspectives are different. We see Tokyo through the hazy eyes of Chieko, Morocco through the adolescent eyes of teenagers, as well as the tourist eyes, and vibrant Mexico through the worn eyes of a nanny who has seen her way through many children and a long, hard-working life. Every single actor and actress is brilliant, Brad Pitt is superb in some of the quieter scenes, Rinko Kikuchi is heartbreaking in a very demanding role, and the nuanced tone of the hell Adriana Barraza goes through is gut wrenchingly sad. Still, I do not care if this is depressing, it is as much a part of human emotion as happiness or sadness, why not just watch it for once?

10/10

Teo

Is 3D the future of cinema?

   Do you remember 3D? No, no, not 3D as in that 3D-ifying technique, used as a sad attempt to gross more, disgustingly used by a certain number of directors I have come to loathe because of their persistent use of it (I'm looking at you, McG) I mean actual 3D. One of my most fond memories was seeing a 40 minute documentary at the London Science Museum called Bugs in 3D. It was stunning. Some of the images were absolutely mind-boggling. I could see them, actually see their strange little bodies coming toward me. They were right in front of me. Or so my five-year-old brain assumed.
   3D works through the natural positioning of the eyes, the left eye seeing more of the left side of an object and vice versa, the brain fusing both viewpoints together to create 3D vision. 3D works in a similar way, with two images being subsequently projected simultaneously for each eye. The full effect is utilised with a pair of glasses to produce the so-called 3D effect.
    Another director I get frustrated with is that king of all blockbusters but rip-off story lines, James Cameron. Maybe one day I will review Cameron's 2009 homage to Smurfs, but this is not one of those times. He has declared 3D 'The future of cinema', a statement I find considerably hard to swallow, especially when you take into account 3D is not that new of an invention, having been around in the fifties, when audiences were more ignorant and dumber than those today (although this is not entirely true, Danny Dyer is an apparent bankable lead, especially after threatening to head butt the wonderfully cynical Mark Kermode because 'he doesn't take me seriously as an actor'. Neither does the rest of the world, but hey, anyone who has a measly amount of fame deserves a film career, as Kevin Smith so marvellously put it 'failing upwards')
   Here's the thing. Modern audiences should be clever enough to realise that 3D is just a cheap ploy to get butts in seats (or should I say expensive, considering the ridiculous £15 price an unnamed cinema charges for 3D) and should know that if they dropped seeing 3D films every month for 2 years, they could raise enough money to build a well in Africa. It is too expensive, too nauseating, and is simply almost always a horrible headachey experience-almost always.
    I could rant all day about 3D, but I will grant a tiny measly bit of respect to it; depending on the film, it can be mesmerising. No matter how much I hated it, and I really hated it, Avatar did actually look beautiful. Sure Sam Worthington, and the remarkable resemblance of the plot to, oh, I don't know, Ferngully, Pocahuntus, Dances With Wolves, Last Of The Dogmen, The Emerald Forest and the many other films that has that damn same plot, were distracting, but I cannot fault how beautiful the world looked. However, the point is just because it looks beautiful, doesn't mean it's worth dying of a migraine for it. If you want beautiful just go to a park, or a lake, or close your eyes and use your damn imagination. Don't spend 5 quid on an extra you can get for free.
    The main issue with 3D is that all it is is a gimmick, a cheap old gimmick. It's lost its gleam since the Golden Age of 3D and I can assert from a large percentage of people that it is an easy way to drain your bank account. It can be used to nice effect but no, 3D is not the future of cinema. It is a bunch of idiots with money to waste going to a cinema to wear stupid glasses and get a headache.

Love. Angel. Music. Baby.

    I can't deny, I do think there is something to be said in a case like Gwen Stefani. How does the lead vocalist successfully transfer from a quintessentially 90's New-Wave band transfer to the new millennium as the next pop sensation, without looking cheap or tacky? I don't really know how Gwen Stefani did it, but I can't deny what a refreshing voice in contemporary pop music, even if some of her later work (cough cough Wind It Up) is, well, weak at best. This, however, is truly what I think pop should sound like. It was far from pain to listen to. The same cannot be said of the hellish production of the album.
    After basically being forced into working with Linda Perry, Stefani was exhausted after her final No Doubt tour, and suffering from extreme writers block and depression, Stefani was in far from the right frame of mind to write music. After being asked by Perry "What are you waiting for?", she wrote her masterpiece of electro-rock, telling her story of her stress and feelings of judgement she felt from others. And what a song it is. The angst ridden yells of (Now look at your watch now/You're still a super-hot female/You got your million dollar contract/And they're all waiting for your hot track) fantastically address an area of song-writing we very rarely see, and underline Mrs Stefani's rejection of selling out. The song is spectacular.
   So once you've made the best, can you make it better? Well, no, but you can try. There is a pleasant nod to Madonna with the nice Cool, where she adresses her ex boyfriend in a way that is nuanced enough to be irresistible. Rich Girl is decent, but I find it ironic how someone who has soldover 33 million albumns is wondering what it would be like to be rich (plus we get her obnoxious obsession with her dancers, The Harajuku Girls) Hollaback Girl is probably the most infamous track by Stefani, despite the fact it is fun and fresh, and far from the worst lyrics. (That prestigious award goes to Yummy. (I'm feeling yummy from head to toe/Ain't got no patience so lets go) Flo Rida has better lyrics, and he is the one who uttered I'm betting you like people/And I'm betting you love freak mode.) 
The best of the non What You Waiting For? part of the album is the weirdly very-catchy, but-not-at-all- catchy Luxurious, which is essentially an answer to Rich Girls, moaning about the luxuries of being rich and successful, which I can relate to so much. Here we get verses about the joys of cashmere and sparkly things, and a rap verse by Slim Thug, who, to be fair, is not half assing it.
   All in all, it would be a good album if we didn't have that sucker punch What You Waiting For? But thanks to that bit of pop brilliance, this came out as one of the surprise hits of 2004. Rather lovely.

9/10

Teo

Perfect People

I finished Perfect People feeling remarkably frustrated. Why would such a genuinely captivating act 1 and 2 be abandoned for such a sappy, Hollywood, and downright dumb ending? It feels like Peter James was aware that the first 3/4 of the book was actually really good but couldn't decide on an ending and just watched Superbabies: Baby Geniuses for inspiration. I am fine with suspension of disbelief. Take something like Signs or Mysterious Skin, both of which when broken down, are technically ridiculous, but you get too invested in the plot and characters to notice or care. The same cannot be said for this. The plot goes that a young-ish grieving couple's baby Halley has died (from an incurable disease which both the parents have in their DNA), are sent to the controversial Dr Leo, whose expensive and lengthy treatment will ensure another baby. But is this as it seems? His intrusive and erratic behaviour makes the couple think they may be designing their own babies. And when numerous complications occur over the pregnancy, they start getting worried. These chapters are truly effective and get uncomfortably under your skin. The charismatic, though not entirely original Dr Leo gets to play out his character excellently, and the young couple, despite how painfully naive they are, we still get to share their desperate attempts at another child. And then...it gets ridiculous. I will not reveal it but trust me, it starts getting really silly. The depressing thing about this book is that, like I said before, it starts so well but descends into eye-rolling ridiculousness. Annoying. 

2/5

Irreversible

Why does Gaspar Noe seem to hate me? Each new film he does is always a nightmarish clusterfuck of pain. And the same goes for his notorious 2002 Irreversible, a film in which thousands ran out of the Cannes screening in fury at what they had just seen. Plot? Vincent Cassel and Albert Dupontel go on a revenge mission after Cassel's girlfriend is raped after a party, beaten and left for dead. Despite the horrifying 9 minute (yes, 9 minutes!) rape scene in which the fantastic Monica Belucci is raped then beaten. Surprisingly, this is not the most gruesome scene in the film. That prestigious award goes to the disturbing scene where Vincent Cassel smashes in the head in of the guy who he thinks is Belucci's rapist, when it turns out to be the guy next to him. Pretty major mistake there. Despite this film being the second most painful movie I have had to endure (the number one spot obviously going to the WTF that was Trash Humpers), I still believe it has a valid message. The mindboggling non linear narrative not only raises a hat to Nolan's Memento, but also keeps you captivated all throughout. (either that or the nauseating low-frequency hum he put over the whole film. Look it up) You may not like it but you won't be able to look away.

7/10

Teo

Sleeping Beauty

I'm noticing a trend. Like in the stunning Fassbender vehicle Shame, this film is shot in an identical, glassy eyed way. Straight shots, crisp contrast ratio. This kind of filmaking I believe will become just as prevalent as Steadicam in the foreseeable future. I'm procrastinating. Why? There is not that much to say about this film. What is it about? Lucy, played in subtle form by Emily Browning, is a strangely detestable uni student who does her share of odd jobs to get by. Lucy is depressingly rude, and rather cruel in parts, not an ounce of relatability in any way. I can buy antiheroes, Michael Corleone and Mavis Gray from Young Adult. But these characters only work if you care about them, and I care little about Lucy. She sees an ad at a high class brothel where she has to serve libido-less old men drinks in lingerie among with another load of misfits. Clara, the master, played fantastically bluntly by Rachael Blake, sees potential in young Lucy. "Your vagina will not be penetrated" she says at one point, and you can't help giggling. Clara offers Lucy another job, she will be drugged into sleep and those old men will be able to, as the title mentions, sleep with her. Literally. This would be fine and good for the whole film, but to quote Oancitizen, there's neither sleaze nor a potential danger in her position, so the rest of the film becomes relatively pointless. There is potential behind this sleeping idea, but we just don't care. Despite this, as mentioned earlier, the acting is superb, as is the direction, but it is missing a soul.

6/10

Teo

Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall His Past Lives

This is an masterpiece of cinema. One of the greatest foreign films of all time, up there with Herzehog's Even Dwarfs Started Small, Resnais' Hiroshima Mon Amour, and Haneke's Funny Games. A film so incredible and so mesmerising, you'll want to talk about it and discuss it over and over again. The plot? Boonmee is dying of kidney failure and goes to his isolated farm, where he thinks his past souls and lives thrives. Along with him he takes his sister-in-law Jen, and his nephew, Tong. During supper one night, things get weird. His dead wife appears as a ghost and his son, Boonsong arrives in form as a Monkey Ghost, with marvellously iconic glowing red eyes (He is already a hipster icon). As his final days drift on, we get one of his past lives as an ugly princess, who has sex with a catfish, shown to us in almost comical form. Why is this film a masterpiece, you ask? As soon as the film starts, I am completely and utterly hooked. The delicate nature of the film makes you buy how strange many of the scenes are, and all the conversations are utterly believable. Litterally every line is perfect, and every shot could be hung up on a wall with great pride. Not hard to follow and strangely beautiful, this is a film everyone, everywhere should see.

10/10

Teo

Hereafter

Why are there so many films like this? This has some fantastic ideas for a film, but cannot be bothered to arrange them into some kind of redeemable package. Clint Eastwood, in recent years, has become increasingly lazy, with the relatively forgettable Invictus, to the dull J. Edgar, and this is a prime example of how frustrating Eastwood has become. The story? Matt Damon plays a low key medium in San Francisco, who is not proud of what he does, Cecile de France goes through a near-death experience and becomes fascinated with the afterlife, and a London boy named Marcus, played just awfully by Frankie McLaren, experiences his brother's death and longs for his voice again. Sounds interesting, right? Surprisingly, it is far from it. Damon's acquaintance, played by Bryce Dallas Howard, gets a disposable subplot, never to be spoken of again. The London boy has a difficult time adapting after his brother's death, but we wonder if any boy can be this painfully neurotic. de France has the best story, starting in Thailand, when a huge and visually impressive tsunami hits, almost killing her and her lover, in a really schmaltzy moment when they meet among the wreckage. The main issue with this film is it addresses so many valid issues, and then ignores them for a traditional Hollywood ending. Annoyingly provocative, but without explanation.

4/10

Teo

Gerry

What defines boring? I think it is something that cannot hold your interest and that is why I think Gerry is not boring, as many critics have accused. It is a fascinating, absorbing masterpiece of minimalism in the modern age of cinema, akin to Warhol's Empire or Resnais' Last Year In Marienbad. The story is Gerry and Gerry (supposedly having the same name, or perhaps representing the unity of the characters. I have no idea.) As they trek through Death Valley, they take a detour and get hopelessly lost in the desert, slowly breaking down due to lack of food and water. Some of the shots last over 7 minutes, but it is hard to look away. The score is similar, often just the heavy breathing of the Gerry's and only poignantly quiet  music for the majority of the film. There are some undeniably hilarious moments, when Casey Affleck gets marooned on a huge rock, the whole scene improvised between him and Matt Damon, playing the other Gerry. How this scene ends I will not disclose, but it is barely a surprise.The ending, which is perfectly nuanced yet carries such deep meaning, makes you look at the person you watched it with, and discuss it. The Tree Of Life did the same. That's how good it is. So there we have it. An intoxicating, spectacular film, not for everyone, and the right mood is necessary for viewing, but when seen properly, it is a landmark in modern minimalist cinema.

10/10

Teo

Trash Humpers

What the hell is this shit? Well, to be honest, I have absolutely no idea. It starts with 2 men in old man costumes humping bins. How do I write a review of this? Harmony Korine has never been afraid to be provocative. Just look at the spectacularly disturbing Gummo, the frustrating although important Ken Park or even the obscure Mister Lonely, Korine is undeniably one of the most important voices in American independent cinema. Sometimes it is just plain unnerving. This is one of those times. Character development? No. A hint of a plot? Somewhat. The three old age misfits hump bins, then meet someone, the most memorable are "conjoined twins", who cover pancakes with dishwashing liquid and eat them. No comment. All throughout are scenes of anarchy, murder and kidnapping, a few involving at fat kid in a suit, popping firecrackers and crushing a baby doll with a hammer. Is there a deeper meaning? Probably. Do I know it? No. Should you care? Maybe. This is the kind of film that will terrify you, but it has a valid message, I think, whatever that may be. Despite the pain, (and the hours of vomiting) after watching this film, it will change the way you view cinema. I do not consider it applicable for a star rating. It does exactly what it intends to do, to shock and apall. See it if you have the stomach.

Teo

Coexist

Something is happening. The xx are coming. Of course it was hardly difficult to see their songs fail, due to them being constantly played in just about anything over and over again (I'm looking at you, Waterloo Road). This can be forgiven due to their subtle, terrific debut xx, with one of the most brilliant marketing campaign's I saw that year. Now back on brilliant form, Oliver, Jamie and Romy are joining as a contender for one of the best albums this year. The crowning track is obviously Angels, where the quiet sorrow of Romy's voice flows over Jamie's distinctive synth. The repetition of love is chilling and so sad, and the music so perfect, It is an obvious choice for the best song on the album. But there is more. Chained is a fascinating choice for the somphore song on a sophmore album, but it fits surprisingly well and echoes some of their earlier work, such as the sombre Do You Mind? The bravest piece on the album is definitely Reunion, with the fantastic clatter of steel drums, obviously a nod to Jamie xx's solo album with Gill Scott Herron. Powerfully sad is Missing, Oliver Sim wailing (My Heart is beating/In a different way). Overall, this is a spectacular album, and a definite challenger for best album of the year.

10/10

Teo

The Dilemma

How the hell did any of these people lower themselves to star in such a ugly, mean-spirited and surprisingly depressing piece of crap? I mean seriously, we have Vince Vaughan, Kevin James, Winona Ryder, Channing Tatum, Queen Latifah, even Oscar winners Jennifer Connelly and Ron Howard. Ron Howard, director of Cucoon! Don't think that Vaughan is innocent too, having produced it too. So what is this horrible thing about? Ronny (Vaughan) sees his best friend's wife cheating on him with some unbelievably stupid hunk played by the genuinely good Channing Tatum. He wonders whether to tell his best friend. And the rest of the film is a vomitorium of horrific standard, with forced joke after forced joke. We wonder how these characters can be this commendably dumb. In the cinema, I wanted to yell at the screen out of absolute rage by the fact that all these people, all with considerable talent, could put themselves into such a poorly written dramedy. Oh, what's that now? Who was it written by? Oh yes, Allen Loeb, writer of the equally revolting Adam Sandler vanity project Just Go With It. The piece de resistance is a dull monologue on honesty that feels like it goes on for hours while Connelly and Ryder don't do anything. With horribly racist stereotypes, and some of the worst exposition ever in a film, this is a horrible film.

1/5

Teo

Hope Springs

Meryl Streep is the best actress of our generation, period. In all of her films I have seen, she has been perfectly cast, be it her identical performance in The Iron Lady, the lovely Julia Child in Julie and Julia, any role. And despite the fact that this is neither of the 3 main stars' best roles (the others being Tommy Lee Jones and Steve Carell), the chemistry between them is magnificent enough to hold the whole film together. The premise goes that Jones and Streep have been married for 31 years. He wakes up to breakfast and coffee on the table every day. They sleep in separate rooms and have not had sex in 4 years.  For their anniversary he gets her a water heater for the house. So Streep consults Dr. Bernard in Hope Springs, Maine, played in deliciously nuanced form by the always good Carell, and suggests the idea to the stingy Jones. He begrudgingly agrees and they fly off. The rest of the film is pure brilliance, in which we are invited to marvel at the three leads talk in uncomfortable detail at their dull marriage. Although it is barely a stretch for Jones to play grumpy old man, he does it with grace and class. And on top of the laugh out loud moments lies poignancy and a biting message about ageing and what it really means to be married to someone.

7/10

Teo

The Help

Viola Davis is a captivating screen presence. Be it a sympathetic social worker in Trust, or the fascinating Mrs. Miller in Doubt. However, I think she is perfectly cast here, playing a warm black maid in Mississippi in the 50's in The Help, one of the better racial dramas in the last few years. Set in Jackson, The Help tells the story of the brave, yet naive Skeeter, played in ebullient form by Emma Stone, who wonders what happens to the coloured help, the maids who unrelentingly nurture white children, when the children grow up. She questions Aibileen, her 'friends' maid, in secret, to write a book all about the escapades they go through daily. She also gets the wonderfully sassy Minny, with an Oscar-award winning performance by Octavia Spencer. Also on the radar are the charming and ditzy Celia Foote, played off-type by Jessica Chastain, and the evil racist prom-queen bitch Hilly, played in cruel form by Bryce Dallas Howard. Also good is Allison Janney, who is constantly teetering between racist and tolerant. Despite a fantastic all star cast, the film can be schmaltzy and the length is undeniably bloated. In retrospect, it is a very well done and fascinatingly written film.

4/5

Teo

/\/\ /\ Y /\

It could have been remarkably easy for M.I.A. to go for broke and take the yellow-bricked road to the underwhelming R & B genre so common on a third album. Thank God for the unconventional London rapper, because instead of being another Keri Hilson, we get an electro, bold, strange and polarising album. One of the definite highlight is Born Free, in which the controversial video, featuring a genocide against redheads, had really taken attraction off the actual song. Really, what makes this song genius is how different it sounds to anything else on the album. Her vocals are definitely noted as she screams defiantly, (I don't wanna talk about money cos' I got it) Different to this is the closest thing to pop on the album, XXXO, in which she rallies about the blatant sexualisation of children, the biased media and Quentin Tarintino. possibly the best are heavy industrial songs like the mechanical whines in the fantastic Steppin' Up, or the possible-best song Teqkilla, in which we get those same unbelievably catchy lines (I got sticky icky icky icky wiiiiiiid/I got shots of tequila in me) Is it a good album? Yes, but some songs are just too ridiculous for M.I.A., like the undeniably irritating Space. However, many hit the right note, but this is not conventional M.I.A. so many fans will recoil at how artistic it is. I however, very much enjoyed it and that's why I'm giving it 9/10.

9/10

Teo

Arular and Kala

M.I.A. is one of the most hopeful music cases that has ever occurred in musical history. Born in London, her family moved to Sri Lanka during the Civil War, where she witnessed the horror of war. She than moved back to London on an estate, where she encountered racial abuse, and where she learned English. After she moved out, she became an artist and then, after the release of her mixtape, she secured a deal to release her début, under the title Arular, after her father. And boy, what an album it is. The opening skit Ba-na-na is wonderfully weird, but true musical perfection can be found with the later tracks, such as the bravely cool Bucky Done Gun, in which the jazz mash up roars with her rapping. Also wonderful is Sunshowers, with some poignant verses which give the jungle beat extra depth. (Semi-9 and snipered him/On that wall they posted him/They cornered him/and then just murdered him). Fire Fire is also irresistible, with it's repeated verse nailing itself into your head. But best of all (we all know what it's going to be) is the simply perfect Galang. Street-wise lyrics (London calling/speak the slang now/Boys say Gwan what/Girls say what what) mash with a great beat to build up to an ending of cheering so perfect it makes you want to hug the CD.

10/10

After she raised the bar so high for herself, fears of a sophmore slump were worried by people worldwide. However Kala delivered big-time. The lead single Boyz is wonderful, dance music at its best, and bears a brilliant resemblance on Bucky Done Gun. Jimmy, the next single is fresh and fun, with a lovely Bollywood feel. But the single we're all thinking about is Paper Planes, the Slumdog Millionaire slow reggae esque hit. Believe the hype. Not only is it one of the best songs on the album, it's one of the best songs of the decade.
The (All I want to do...And take your money) absolutely hits the nail on the head, and makes the boldest statement about the alarming stereotypes of modern life I've ever heard in song form. Also fantastic is the didgeridoo backed Mango Pickle River Down, with the adolescent rap group, The Wilcannia Mob. However, they are not the best songs on the album. Those award goes to Bamboo Banga and 20 Dollar, which are the perfect rap songs, both brimming with grating political relevance. With a slow, hypnotising beat, and a spectacular lo-fi chorus of Where Is My Mind?, 20 Dollar is brilliant (I put people on the map/That never seen a map) Bamboo Banga is stunning too, with shockingly bold statements on cultural diversity and and is one of the best songs in the last decade. This is one of the best albums of the decade. Perfect.

10/10

Teo